and clearly, the world is indeed going to end this month. Because we now know that the rapture did in fact take place.
Behold… the evidence I found in Beacon Hill yesterday.
The only other rational explanation* would be that aliens grabbed them but for reasons unknown to us, left their clothing behind. Or that perhaps the government disintegrated them with a secret weapon from orbit, because this person knew some secret and was going to spill the beans and blow the whole thing wide open. And the “gummint” can’t have that now, can they?
Remember the number one rule of conspiracy theories: why use a simple explanation [like someone accidentally dropped their gym clothes] when an elaborate Rube Goldberg-type explanation that can be tailor-made to fit your facts will work just as well? Plus it will make you feel like you are a bearer of elite secret knowledge!
Now even you, gentle reader, are a bearer of secret knowledge, because I let you in on the secret knowledge of the secret knowledge. Use your powers wisely.
And watch out for the black helicopters. If they get directly over you, the rotor wash will take your tinfoil right off, and then it’s game over.
*By which I mean the only thing a conspiracy theorist would believe, because they are totally rational.