Choose Your Own Christmas Card

Or Holiday/Yule/Festivus/Kwanzaa/New Year/Whatever card. You do you. You have choices between three photos this year, pick the one that best suits you. Or go for all/none of them, we’re ecumenical here at Casa Dachshund.

This might be a good time to remind the reader that Geoff and I don’t go in for Omniscient Narrator Christmas Missives and that this part is being written by me, Kelly.  For those of you who’d rather not read this, stop now.  This is also a good time to remind you that comments are moderated so if you’re thinking of writing a scathing response because this, the end of the third year of President Grifter and the Impeachments is going well for you, just don’t. To paraphrase Scalzi, this blog mocks fascists. My email and our phones are tightly filtered.

Card #1

Scratch immediately claimed this box as his Christmas gift. The book in the background was a gift to me from my brother that will be night time reading for Scratch and Violet before bed.

It figures that a box was Scratch’s favorite part about Christmas this year. He doesn’t climb the Christmas Tree anymore, but was more than happy to hop in and out of the box and crinkle the tissue paper. No bets on how long the box will last.

Card #2

This pin was made by the fabulous folks at Shindig Popup and is merchandised so cleverly. We met the folks from Shindig Popup at a show we did the weekend after Thanksgiving in Salem, MA and got a lot of great things from them. Check them out!

This card is a reminder that It’s OK Not to Be OK, especially at this time of year.  Also, I’ll probably have this actual inscription on my headstone. And, the playing card the pin is on, is that Princess Diana? Can I get a ruling from the internet here?

Card #3

Here’s our final card for this year. This is the one that I spent my traditional Photoshop effort on. This one was inspired by someone we met in Salem, Beki Ferrari. Beki makes jewelry and, most importantly for our purposes here, hand paints ceramics to give them a gothic/metal/unusual update. In the Salem show Geoff and I were sitting directly across the aisle from Beki.

I had been staring at her various masterpieces all day on the first day of the show (it was a very slow day) marveling at the wonderfully twisted ways her mind worked. On day two it hit me that one particular grouping of three would be a spectacular tryptic on a Christmas card. Geoff seemed doubtful, but I asked Beki for permission to photo them after explaining why. She was psyched at the idea and even helped me get just the right shot. I said to Geoff that we needed to rewrite the lyrics to Silent Night to go with it. Geoff is exceptionally gifted at rewriting song lyrics. He can do it on the fly.

After some photo editing, I wound up with this. It looks like an album cover.

Christmas 2019 – if it was a Goth or Heavy Metal album.

I took a shot at the song lyrics.  By this point I think Geoff was convinced that if I posted these everyone would think we’d gone completely around the bend. (What bend? I didn’t see any bend.) They’re not as good as Geoff can usually turn out, but I think they’ll do.

Silent Night, ghoulish night
Nothing’s calm, little’s bright.
Round the corpses, zombies munch
In their mouths, bones go crunch!

The Apocalypse is nigh,
Run, run and hide.

Silent Night, howling night
Claws and fangs, raging fight.
Hell’s own choir boys lead the fray
Singing carols till break of day.

Mitch and Devin sing songs,
Screaming, “Fake News!” all night long.

Silent Night, fiendish night
Beelzebub, bring your light.
Ancient Hecate holds her babe,
Little demon, horns displayed.

Donald, Prince of Hell!
All of us doomed as well.

Silent night, sleepless night
Nightmares wake me with a fright.
Pets are snoring, sleeping sound
Glistening blanket of snow on the ground.

Twitter says House has impeached,
A glimmer of Hope is unleashed.

I did go looking for actual Heavy Metal covers of Silent Night. There are far more than I imagined but so many of them are just terrible and none of them had any creative lyric rewrites. So I’ll leave you with this.

O Holy Night – live, Christmas 2018

Merry Happy Joyous Everything,

Kelly

P.S. Looking for cards from prior years? (And who isn’t, really?) They’re here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.

One thought on “Choose Your Own Christmas Card”

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