A Visit to Winthrop by Saint Nicholas

T’was the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, especially not a mouse.
The children were snoring all snug in our bed,
And I killed time as sermon number two was said.

Geoff read his history book in the loft,
After the last high notes of the night, I coughed.
We stumbled on home as the clock struck three,
And were greeted by Dash who needed to pee.

After feeding each dog and both of the cats,
We took off our coats, shoes, and hats.
With dawn fast approaching we took to our bed,
With visions of sleeping late stuck in our heads.

When in the back yard there arose such a clatter,
Dash sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
A dachshund stampede that was gone in a flash,
I groaned, shook my head, and then muttered “DASH!”

The moon couldn’t shine off of non-existent snow
(No White Christmas for us this year as you know),
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a flying sleigh, and nine panting reindeer.

My first thought was that I must be sick,
“There’s no way that I could be seeing St. Nick!”
More rapid than eagles his nine reindeer came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN!
On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONNER and BLITZEN!
And RUDOLPH!  Keep that nose of yours shining with light!
There’ll be no mid-air sleigh collisions tonight!”

As a ball when it meets Teddy Ballgame would fly,
The reindeer and sleigh fiercely arced through the sky,
And up to the house-top the reindeer they flew,
And suddenly I wondered what Santa would do.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The pounding and scratching of each reindeer hoof.
I wondered whether Santa had already found,
That we have no chimney! And two small loud hounds!

I blinked to be sure of what I was seeing
When I realized that, yep, Rudolph was peeing.
Santa hopped out of the sleigh and dusted his clothes,
He strode across the yard like someone who knows.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all dirty with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had crammed in a sack,
He looked like Mall Santa, coffee break over, heading back.

His eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
He laughed as he kicked off melting ice and slush,
“Good God,” I said, “Santa Claus is a lush.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
So naturally we started to hear a loud screech.
“The smoke alarm! Where’s the stepladder to reach?”

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
Not anything like that creepy one on the shelf;
Then I saw he had another bag, packed full of coal,
And I wondered where he’d found it at the North Pole.

He saw the look on my face, and he smiled as he said
“Don’t worry, there’s no reason for you to feel dread.
That coal’s for the White House, they’ve all been quite bad,
Ivanka, Jr., Eric, and ESPECIALLY their dad!”

“But Santa,” I said, “do you have anything more?
Robert Mueller works very hard on this terrible chore.”
He chuckled and said in his cheery slurred speech,
“Fear not, they’ve got all that they need to impeach!”

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
They flew low and away, to avoid any missiles.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
“HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL*, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!”

*Except certain people in DC.

“That’s not a knife, THIS is a knife.”

This popped up on Boston.com today and it made me laugh.  As it involves Geoff’s family’s ancestral home of New Bedford, MA I thought it worth posting here.

Continue reading ““That’s not a knife, THIS is a knife.””

Sometimes the posts just write themselves

This is our 500th post here at KellyandGeoff.com.  Geoff and I were wondering what to write.  Perhaps we should observe the occasion with something special?

Then we came across these links and realized that we had to share them with the world.  Sometimes, you just have to go with what finds you.  Thank you, internet.

Continue reading “Sometimes the posts just write themselves”

I met David Sedaris, again.

The first time I met David Sedaris was at a book signing several years ago.  I met him again in 2010 when Geoff and I saw him read and sign Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk at the Harvard Book Store.  Last Tuesday I worked a private event for the book store in which I got to spend about an hour and a half just sitting and chatting with David Sedaris.

Yes, there are times when my life is awesome.

Continue reading “I met David Sedaris, again.”

2012 in review

It’s that time again.  WordPress has helpfully provided us with all kinds of cool stats on our blog.  There are also nifty graphics and fun details about where all of you kindly readers came from, what you liked to read about, and what you searched for.

I can tell you from experience that we get a lot of people coming here looking for words like “disturbing” “sexist women”  and “women comparison”.  I find that a little disturbing, but if you stay for a read I suppose it’s not a bad thing?

Enjoy the WordPress report and have a safe and healthy celebration tonight.  I’ll be here at home working on Etsy, enjoying an honest-to-God day off, and relaxing with the kids.

Happy New Year!

~Kelly

Continue reading “2012 in review”

We met The Bloggess

Ok, so this post is a week late.  That does not in any way diminish the awesomeness that is Jenny Lawson, The Bloggess.  The link to her blog is in our blog roll to your right.  If you haven’t read her stuff I recommend that you click through.  I will, however, warn you.  She’s not for the easily offended, she’s fond of four letter words, and she’s from Texas.

Continue reading “We met The Bloggess”

Live Long and Prosper

This was sent to me by the always fabulous Amanda.  It was tweeted by the one and only Nichelle Nichols and was taken in the Oval Office on 2/29/12.  Yes, I’m going to make you click through to see it, it’s that good.

Continue reading “Live Long and Prosper”